ADIOS

AAAAH IM SO TIRED OF MOVING MY FINGERS I JUST WANT TO SLEEEP I GUESS ILL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK THIS BLOG IS SHIT I KNOW IM DESEPERATE BYE. 

BRO FIST

46.Spend more time with my brother:

I really can't say we spent lot of time together, but we did go out from time to time with our other cousins.. Oh and we swam together, He even invited me to go out with him and his gf.. She had to cancel it though so yea.. 

But still, I guess that's the closes I ever got to him and that's a fucing start people. 

WARNING

Hello, I'm sorry about how very short those next blog posts will be, but I kinda forgot the details of my summer failures, because at that time, I was too lazy to blog.. Yes I'm a pooptart, sue me. And I'm kinda going to this camp for 4 days starting from tomorrow, and I'm going to be WIFILESS. AND I'm supposed to SOCIALIZE.

Awh, don't be sorry, I might survive haf a day, who knows? i might even get to the night. 

And by the time I come back, It'll be a school day, so I don't know if I'll be able to blog until the other week, by then summer will be over and I want to at least fucking brag about my failures before school ACTUALLY starts, do ya know what I mean? 

I'm actually missing my first day at a new school because of that stpid camp I've been dying to go to.. 

Shitty Hairstylists

1.Have a complete make-over. 

I STILL DIDNT GET A NOSE RING SHUT THE FUCK UP. 

But oh well I kinda am a ginger right now. 

I dyed my hair Ombre ginger last week and dad still gasps whenever he sees mee.. Yup, it does get annoying from time to time. 

I don't know why but this post is going to be as short as your dick. No offense ♥

No seriously, Idk what else to say, it was supposed to turn out Red/Orange/Blonde, BUT THIS SHIT DOESNT LOOK RED/ORANGE TO ME. It's more like Orange brown blond. 

And hair talk is really boring so can I just stfu? 

SHOPPING SPREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

25.Spend a whole day with no Social-Network.

Aha, Aha, I did it, I did it *Does stupid invisible dancce*

I spent a whole day with no Wi-Fi, No Whatsapp, No Facebook .. *Insurts all social media wevsites and apps that I use here* No friends, NADA.

Instead of that bullcrap, I went shopping with dad, mum and my aunt.. Hihi. Oldies shopping.. and me..

So we went to Ceuta (A Spanish city in close proximity to our place, just about 37 minutes of road) (I actually don't know why I said Spanish, I mean it's not really theirs, they stole it, but then who am I to judge?) the city of shopping (It's not really a city of shopping, I just call it that cause we never go there unless to shop, or sometimes just to have a picnic).

I don't love shopping much cause I get tired and I miss food, since I'm busy trying this trying that, but I somehow enjoyed it with my mum and aunt. (dad goes to different stores so yeah)

I didn't even buy lot of things, just a simple long black dress that I later regreted buying, a 'weirdo' crop top that has become my favorite top, A mother-daughter bracelet, one for her and one for me, an infinity ring, one for my bitch and one for me, a Turtle necklace, It's so cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute, some black and pink Vans kinda looking, an Aqua blue and pink color hairspray.

Oh, and I ALMOST LOST MY PHONE. Halleluijah.

No really, I left it at a shop and went to the other shop, thank god, nobody took it. My baby.

Gee, I sound like my cousins.

Well goodnight Honey ..

(So I wrote this ages agoo, when holiday was still a little baby, but For some reason I kept it as a draft, and tbh, this is very lame, this whole blog is so lame, I AM SO LAME. I can't even-)

Angels have scars too.

34.Write very deep song lyrics:

Anyway, here is the song that I wrote with the help of this gorgeous guy I met on Experience Project (Betch, don't judge) named Michael, and no he is not a clifford. That I already made sure of. 

I knew this girl who was too good to live in this world..

Quiet, but kind, she knew no other than honest words.

At the age of Five, she spread happiness around wherever she went,

It seemed like every flower she passed by, for her majesty bent,

Praising her golden soul with a lovely scent.

At the age of Eight, they called her ugly for being smart,

But her momma told her that beauty is judged only by the heart,

So she shrugged it off but that stole from her a tiny part.

At the age of 11, her  momma left leaving a void in her troubled soul,

She sat at her grave feeling everything but whole,

Crying with every breath she took, with eyes that turned dull.

At the age of 14, still broken and disoriented,

She gave in to the first boy who showed her how love felt,

He made her sweet promises that she thought he meant.

At the age of 15, that guy left her too,

Replaced her with a prettier girl or two,

Betrayal  dwelled in her heart and there was no momma to tell her what to do.

At the age of 16, she started to recover,

And there was left no saddnes for her to cover,

She shut down her feelings thinking all the pain will be over.

At the age of 17, she met a new friend,

Who lead all her miseries to an end,

.    .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

At the age of 18, all the masks fell,

Her fake heaven turned out to be a bloody hell,

Making her pain bulge and swell

At the age of 19, she practiced an art on her skin,

Wearing only long sleeves to cover her artwork of chagrin,

She lost a battle, an angel like her would never win.

At the age of 20, she decided this is no place for her,

She wrote a goodbye note, and ate a dozen pills of Pamelor

Covered with a white sheet, she layed in her bed as everything else started to blur.

 (Btw, I have no idea what kind of pills are Pamelor, but I JUST COULDNT FIND ANYTHING THAT WOULD RHYME OK FUCK YOU.)

Food is bae.

68.Have a lazy day.  

Apperantly, most of my summer days were lazy days. 

Let's just goddamn face it, I'm lazy as fuck. Do you excpect a lazy person to go out and socialize? Goddamn no. I wouldn't even trust myself to go get some food if I got hungry while being lazy. And let me assure you, I loooooooove food.

Food is life, food is bae.

Amen.

Anyway, this blog is going to be very short because it'd be contradictory to take too much time and effort writing a blog post about Laziness..

Yeah, Bye.

I'm sick of people's bullshit.

I know this is not the best appology I can offer for disappearing like that but Yay, I'm back from the dead, now shall we move on to my infinite ranting?

Ya know there is this HUGE downside of being the kind caring one?

Goddamit, I'm just so sick to death of taking people's bullshit up my ass all I want to do right now is wrap my tiny hands around somebody's throat and see the life suck out of their faces. Literally. I'm sorry if I'm creeping you out, tbh, I'm kinda getting goose bumbs myself.

But I just need an ear right now. Because honestly, I'm sick, so sick of having to sacrifice my every time to listen to people's problems and help them, because whenever I need someone to talk to, every single one of them turns their backs on me, as if I'm completely nothing. Can't you hear me? I'm screaming for your attention, but whenever I try to reach for your hand, you fold your arms pushing me away. Oh so is that your own way of showing me how much you care about me? Okay then excuse me for being a delusional bitch.

It just seems like nobody even cares anymore.

We're all so self-centered, 'Me' is all that matters for us.

It's kinda sad. Because if you think of it, you're on your own in this life. No matter how many friends you're surrounded with, they still would choose themselves over you, beacuse that's just human nature. And humans are naturally selfish.

No matter how much we care for someone, we still care for ourselves a lot more because at the end, we all lead our different pathes.

Anyway, that was so out of topic. I was just having one of those 'Life is so weird' spiritual philosophical moments where you just sit and stare at one point and wander to a different dimmension. I'm not sure if that only happens to me though..

What I'm trying to say is that I think all kind cheerful people should have their annual day where they just freAKING STOP CARING. Where they could be selfish, they could go quiet and depressing, they could snap at people, cry and sob and scream and punch walls and make weird whale noises because they just can't take it anymore.

I want to be able to, at lease once a year, vent.

I want to vent and vent and vent without having to be worried of being judged as a drama queen, without having to worry about other's feelings.

I want to vent because even though I come out as gentle and kind and sweet, there is this HUGE beast inside of me craving for something to kill, craving to scream, and it just wants to gets out. It wants to be set free. And one cannot keep his anger inside for too long before exploding.

And I'm pretty sure that's what every kind person wants.

To vent.

Who knows? Maybe someday, we'll be able to make it a world wide annual day.

The venting day. How awesome would that be? 

Books that suck dicks

57..Finish reading 'Empty Desk':

Well I finished, and even though at first I was so excited to read it, it turned out to be a very very very shitty story.

The plot is kinda good.
But things escalate too quickly.
It's not well written.
It sucks.

No wonder, it's not a professional book, just a Quotev story, same thing to this book called Hearts of ace.

It's not well written, At all..
The main character, is a fucking perfect bitch. I'm talking about a nice huge house, racing cars, bestfriends for life, she has the body the face, the everything, everybody is head over heels for her, she is a good singer, dancer, and EVERYTHING. It's very annoying.
And the plot is so cliché, it hurts, The heartbreaker falls in love with the other heartbreaker whom heart she was supposed to break. And the reason behind the way she breaks hearts and not bones, because she had this horrible past that made her lose her faith in trust. So she became a bad girl. Isn't that just so goddamn cliché?
And also, things escalate too quickly and it just sucks.

Wallflowers everywhere, Yay, Yay

56.Finish reading 'Perks of being a wallflower':

I know I was supposed to read 'The Bell Jar', but it turned out to be aa pretty story, so I've read The Perks of being a wallflower instead, and I've never been more gratefull to that choice I made at that axact second Holy fuck that's like the perfect book to relate to.

I can't relate to the book actually, but I can relate perfectly to Charlie.

Except the fact that I can't kick a group of footballers' asses when I get mad, I'm still a virgin, and I have never been molested by my aunt.

But seriously, through the whole book I felt as if I can understand every decision he has made and every  feeling he felt.

It's like he is me and I am him.

Oh I also don't have a dick, instead I have a vagina. Wow, such a cool magic trick, huh?

And I also have breasts the thing he doesn't have. But I don't know if you could call those weird creatures breasts. They're kinda too flat to be boobies. No but I do have something, okay? Don't judge.

Why the fuck am I discussing my flat-chestness with you guys? You don't even thank me for being this honest with you. Mhm.

Anyway, about the book. It's amazing and you should read it, Period.


Warning: This paragraph would be full of spoilers, so don't go spoil it for others as I did when it got spoiled for me because I warned you motherfucker, Oh yes I did.

I've also read other books, like the second last books of The Hunger Games Trilogy, And damn it, How sad I was when Katniss married Peeta instead of Gale, and she even had BABIES, babies for god's sake!!!!!!!!!!

The Author didn't even give us any updates on Gale, Haymitch, or even Katniss's mother, Yes her own mother. Nothing.

Nothing at all.

How dare she, does she not know that people who have no life gets overly attached to books and therefore a book can break our already broken hearts *Fake cries asking for candy* more than can a hot asutralian guy ever do.

I also read The Fault in our stars, which I didn't like much until Augustus died.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not a sadist, but I think That was the most important eventfull part of the whole books.

And It's kind of a funny story, which turned out to be better than The movie, since they had a bit of sexy time *Winks shamelessly*

I'm currently reading the last book in th Divergent trilogy which seems to be far better than actually any book, yes even better Than the perks of being a wallflower, or the hunger games (Sorry, Suzanne, but Your obsession with Peeta ruined it.)

I HAVE NO FUTURE

35.Make a plan for the future.

I didn't actually, I just wrote some shit on some paper and then threw it away like it doesn't matter. And it doesn't actually. I guess I'll just have to go with the flow. That's actually how the psychologist I payed a visit that other day told me to behave and talk so I'd heal my social anxiety. He said, the problem I have is that I think before I act, and that always ends up in a hot mess of me stuttering a few vocabulary words I learnt at school, which is totally true. He also said it'd be more better if I just speak up once something pops to my head, Just do it. (Mhm, Nike and him have been probably hooking up..)

Off topic.
Totally off topic.

Anyway, I think I have a few ideas on what I want to do though;

THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL : 

Finish high school ALIVE. 
Read billions of books.
Publish at least one book.
Be able to speak fluently at least one new language.
Get rid of my social awkwardness.
Have so much Fun.

AFTER HIGH-SCHOOL:

Go to this writing shit college in Dhubai.
I think I spelled it wrong but whatever.
Be able to spell Dhubaihdlavgfjuag correctly without Gppgle's help.
Find a guy that'd fit me better than my favorite sweater. (Thank you Lana, for the cheesy sentence)
Have two or Three kids, or adobt them, I don't care.
Have a pet bunny/Kitten/puppy, Or Dinosaur I wouldn't mind ;)
Write and publish as many books as possible.
Find a job that has something to do with travelling.

I have no idea what that job is, but I'm only 15, who cares about my future job.

Anyway, those are just glimpses of what I'd really love to accomplish in the next years. That if I didn't die.

Isn't it just so weird, that you can die at any second right now.

Dear mum, if I died right now, I'm pretty sure you'd be curious to read this shit, thus, if I haven't published this yet, I'd love to ask you to publish it before you go burry me, if I have I'd love to ask you not to read the other posts because they're quite embarrassing, and there is nothing more embarrassing than having any of your family member read your blog.. And also the typos I make, god they make me want to shoot myself. 

Being a sick potato sucks..

Hi, Before you bite me, I sincerly appologize for not blogging for that long of a time, but come on, we all knew I wasn't going to commit, You should be gratefull that I'm back, and I'm really not willing to give up on you like I did to most of the things I started practising, at every age.

And guess what, I'm as sick as a potato can get, even though I've been told potatoes don't get sick.. LIES, It's all lies I'm telling you, LIES..

But hey let's look at the bright side, I get to be a couch potato without feeling guilty, I get treated like a princess(I'm talking about pretty easy to swallow food), I get to sleep until whenever I want, I don't have to go to the grocery shop, I get to avoid phone calls from the outside world people with the permission of having a sore throat, Yeah bitches. Aaaaand for a few days I can pretend that I have no responsibilities, no friends, no life (As if I actually have one), and most importantly, no crush. But that doesn't last much, cause as soon as Facebook work to seduce me, I see that pretty name of his with that girl of that pretty girl that he might have a crush on. No, no, he promised he'd tell me if he ever likes a girl. I should really learn to trust.

But trust me, being sick has more downsides than positive shit,

I can't eat Ice cream and cold stuff.

I can't taste most of that pretty delicious shit, so it's more like feel that gesture of nice food than feel it's taste tickling your throat.

I wake up shivering and once I cover myself I start to sweat.

I stink.

I can't take a cold shower.. nor a hot one because mum is over-protective.

I stink.

I can't go swimming.

I can't talk as much as I always intend to do.

My hair is a mess.

I stink.

So yeah, anyone that disagrees with me should go kill himself, JUST KIDDING, Don't die on me you bitch.

No seriously, here is a gun, feel free to use it any time soon. *Innocent Smile*

(I hope you don't really consider my suggestion, I was honestly just TRYING to be a smartass, no hatred.)

Food, the highlight of family reunions

45.Hang out with cousins.

Yo, Guess who is doing a blogging spree? MEEEEE.
I don't know but I felt like I'm a whiny slut when I screamed that Meeeee 0.0

Anyway, 
This Saturday, My dad's family had a family reunion in my grandmother's house. At first I started reading my Catching Fire book, and then .. I just kept reading it. 

Don't get me wrong, I really love my family, even though mose of my cousins are judgemental hoes, I still love them because we share the same blood and because once we were as close as sisters. But we just don't have that strong bond we used to have when we were younger. No actually the goddamn bond is still the same, It's only I that pulled back. I DONT FUCKING BELONG THERE OKAY. 

All they do is talk about peeps, crushes, botches and jerks, nail polish (They litterally talk about that), and that really doesn't interest me. But they do talk about books from time to time and that's only when I make an appearance. I also show up when it's time to eat. Jesus, I love food. 

So yeah, I just sat with my younger cousins, and started reading my book, while listennig to their retarded funny jokes. 

Oh well, While I was reading, My 21 year old hot bomb guy cousin walked into the room and as always called me an orange. NO I DONT LOOK LIKE AN ORANGE, AND IM NOT ORANGE, It just rhymes with my name. And to my surprise he started talking to me, Like we had this decent conversation about the future and school and hobbies and EVREYTHING. HE NEVER DOES THAT, He normally just calls me an orange and then disappear to hang out with his other cousins. Anyway, I kept blushing the whole conversation cuz dammit I'm that awkward (I geniunely think I should learn how to talk to someone without avoiding his eye contact and constantly blushing or playing with some shit nervously) WHEN he randomly bursted out of freaking nowhere 'You grew up, you really did'. 

Oh well now let's see what did I reply? 

I blushed. I looked away. I laughed. While playing with my phone making this annoying noise. 

Eventually I just left the room in pretext of charging my phone but actually It's just that I was feeling so hoooooooot *.* 

Quack Quack

12. Try something new:

Apparently, My idea of trying new things is very different from the others. Hell, I didn't try riding a roller coaster this holliday (But trust me, I already did, and I kept cursing the guy that controlled that shit, yeah but it's fun I have to admit)

 

Nor did I try to jump off a boat with MY FUCKING CLOTHES AND GET THEM WET. That's no fun, that's just plain stupid. I hate it when a wet Pants-Jeans-Shorts sticking to my ass. One time, My friend tried to splash me with water and I swear I almost ate her (Nothing near the sexual way).

And I also didn't go hiking a mountain, because I'm a little bitch that doesn't want to grab life by the ballsack and I'd rather not participate in life. _______________        This pic killed me -----> 

Noooooo, What I did is TRY A NEW PLATE.
The funny thing is most of you has already ate it, and it's probably their usual plate, but I never tasted it until now, because I'm a stuck up bitch, Yup just like that.

So when I was with My bitch, her mum made us for dinner this mix of chicken and rice with Soya. Well it didn't really suck balls, but I didn't like how it tasted that much, but still I had to eat it cause I found it rude not to... UNTIL, Her little sister spat water on my plate because her mum said something funny.

Yuup.

So yeah, that was my experience trying new shit.
Enjoy. <3 

Rocking the Zombie Appocalypse

7.Spend a whole week with my bestfriend:

9.Have a horror movies marathon!

10.Have a comedy movies marathon!

11.Have a chick flick movies marathon! 

Few weeks ago, I spent a whole effing week with my bestfriend without dying or even going to jail. Yeah, let's just pretend that the shit we do is pretty deadly or dangerous. Hell, we barely get out of the house, unless we really had to. 

Our idea of fun is very different from the other teens, we don't go partying on a Friday night, or go to the Mall Saturday morning, we just chill..

Wee (ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER) spent that week shifting from her house to mine to our grandma's... with her little annoying sister following us as if she got stuck in our asses, dammit that's annoying. 

And from the many many useless things we did and that I simply enjoyed we find;

1. Cuddling. 

2. Reading.

3. Watching 2 Broke Girls.

4. Watching Awkward and fangirling about Matty. Later, her lil sis told me how she finds Matty so hot and that she keeps daydreaming about him kissing her cheek.. SHE IS FUCKING 9, But I do appreciate the fact that she just wants him to kiss her cheek not smack her ass while twerking. 

5. Scaring our grandma whenever she wakes up in the middle of the night to eat.

6. Looking at the mirror.

7. Pretending to be spys.

8. Having serious talks.

9. Eating shitty chocolate Ice Cream that my grandpa made.

10. Stalking the librarian guy (Okay I lied, We do go to the library from time to time)

11.Listenning to music.

12. Annoying the fuck out of each other.

13. Stalking each other's phones.

14. Watching Youtubers and dying.

15. WATCHING MOVIES.

Here is a list of the movies we watched actually (If you're interested and because I won't be able to sleep if I didn't tell you, I will sleep but I'll have to imagine I wrote this list so I'd sleep well) :

 Horror movies:

1. Mama:

I really loved the moral, that a mother's love never dies thingy. Brilliant.

2. Oculus:

The movie was amazing I have to admit, BUT I HATED THE END. Don't ask why, I just feel like it's not finished yet, maybe because I'm used to happy endings, but I mean WHY? WHY? I actually really like endings that flip you out of your senses, that fuck your mind up, like the book 'Gone Girl'. Just when you think You got the hang of it, it turns out you're just an ignorant piece of shit. I find those kind of endings really interesting. BUT NOT WHEN IT COMES TO GHOST STORIES. You don't fuck with ghosts, no you just don't do that. You see, I have this habit of not feeling well when a horror movie ends in the bad's victory, It makes me feel as if that bad person or ghost is still out there and just waiting for me to finish the goddamn movie and slaughter me.

3. The house at the end of the street:

SAME THING AS OCULUS. But very awesome tricky plot, I mean who would've thought that the awkward 

Ryan (Max Thieriot) was the insane one after all? LOVELY.

I can't remember any other movies, But I'm sure we watched more..

Chick-flicks (Some of them are also comedy):

1. Warm bodies:

Probably my next favorite movie after The Hunger Games, I'm really not that much of a Zombie's fan but 'R' (Nicholas Hoult) Is one hell of a cute piece of brainless meat. 

2. The Fault In Our Stars:

I didn't watch it with her actually, once I learnt Augustus and Hazel are not as sassy as they seemed to be in the book, I lost all interest in watching it. AND I HATED THAT 'Oh man' He says when she tells him that he just ruined the whole thing. And plus I never really was a fan of a movie based on a book, they just delete too many good details, well except for 'The Perks of being a wallflower', and 'The Hunger Games'. And please, Let's not talk at the Movie quality we found.

3. The perks of being a wallflower:

Not as much as the book but GORGEOUS.

4.Divergent:

Not the best, but it's good, NEVER BETTER THAN THE HUNGER GAMES THOUGH. A little boring.

5.Spectacular Now:

We didn't really watch this movie, we just watched the trailer, and my bitch went crazy about it because it was a love story, and since she watched horror movies with me even though she hated them, I couldn't help but agree to this stupid romantic movie, but the first scene was a very intimate sex scene and we had her little sissy in our company so yeah.. 

I can't remember any other movies we watched for now, because I'm a brainless ZOMBIE. 

I don't think I'd die in a Zombie Appocalypse, I can play the dead very well I must admit.I think I might even be helpful to them zombies, teaching them new dances, and new moves. 

Oh well Goodnight sweety. ♥

A bag with no potatoes

P.S: Only smartass people will understand the relation between the title and the post itself.

P.S2: Since I'm feeling very hot and lazy, I just copied and past this from my journal, but I did do some changes though. 

WARNING: This post is not so well written, so prepare your buckets my ladies (You must be retarded to know what I'm talking about cause that was a retarded metaphore, just like my life okay soz)

Oh well hello everyone (I think I watched too much Tyler Oakley's vids), sorry for disappearing and no I didn’t leave to jump off a cliff.

This last week has been full of bloody related events;

I redesactivated my facebook to avoid my crush because he started distancing himself from me but a week later he asked my bitch (New nickname for my sissy) why did I desactivate my facebook after over a week, and she replied ‘Because she hates people’ ‘I’m people too so she hates me?’ ‘No, But she thinks you lie to her’ ‘How?’ ‘She thinks you tell her fine things while you’re lying’ ‘Oh Okay, FINE, Sorry to disturb you’ …

That fucking broke my heart, I don’t why or how, But I just felt my heart breaking, I don’t know I just felt like I can’t trust anyone, I mean she told him the things I made her promise not to tell, the things that someone should never tell his crush’s bestfriend, Right? I think one should cover up for his bestfriend, lie with them, not expose them, Jeez. I got mad, sad, everything, so I did the one thing I always do when I don’t know what to do, I self-harmed.

It was a stupid thing to self-harm over,  but really I’ve been feeling very down and low those past weeks over several things, It’s like everything and everyone is slipping away from me and I’m still not ready to let go. I don’t want to let go of those walls I’ve lost control over, I still want to rule my life. But it outrunned me and now I’m lost and broken.

But hey that’s not just it, just when I was about to wear some long sleeved shit to hide the 3 scratches I made on my forearm and the over 20 (Yesh, I actually counted them)  hideous looking scars I marked on the underside of my wrist, mum walked in on me. Since my arm was still exposed, I tried to hide my wrist in the crook of my neck, I don’t even know how, but I just did this very awkward position where my arm was almost struggling my neck and shoulder or Idek what that part is called in a way you can’t see the freshly made cuts. I was a frickin’ Hot mess. 

Mum was shocked, terrified, disappointed, she had that look you’d do anything to run away from, I wished I would turn blind just so I wouldn’t have to see her as disappointed as that. I swear I could’ve almost heard my heart breaking as well as hers if it was silent enough. She didn’t say anything, she just looked at me in such disgust.

I can’t recall what happened later, cause I was very nervous, and I'm too lazy to write, and also It's so hot I can't even focus well. But I can assure you, It was the worst night of my whole fucking life.

We did hug at the end and she forgave me, but as she said herself ‘No matter what, nothing could make me unfeel what I felt, nothing could bring me back to the way I was before I saw that, and I’d be lying if I said I’m completely Okay’ and it’s all because of me. She made me promise to never ever harm myself again, now look at me, I don’t even dare think of hurting myself in any way.

Guilt is eating me alive, it has been 2 days but I still can sense the horror in her eyes. Cause she is right after all, no matter how hard I try, I don’t think I can ever make her unfeel what I made her feel, The damage I made upon her is unfixable, and it’s killing me inside.

But somehow, that made me realize how ungratefull I was for having a loving parents and an annoying as fuck brother. It made me realize that I have what I have, and that’s only what I get, and I should be happy about it and make the best out of it. I think it made me mature and fearless.. sorta.

You probably can’t understand the fearless part because it has nothing to do with it. But after we finished talking, hugging, crying and shouting. I felt like now that my biggest secret is exposed, I should let go of my other secrets as well, and guess what I did.

......

I CONFESSED TO MY CRUSH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I reactivated my facebook, and told him that I don’t hate people I just strongly dislike most of people because they’re selfish annoying bastards, and I don’t think he lies to me, that was ages ago when we had our first fight (Idk if I already blogged about it, but we had this fight because of trust issues, lying and back-stabbing) and I actually desactivated my facebook because I was trying to avoid him, and I ended up telling him how I have a major crush on him and how that’s wrong on so many levels, cause like we’re very good friends and I’m so not his type (He goes for Otakus, and ultimate gamers, or those with a huge ass and a perfect face. And I? Oh well I’m just a bag of potatoes I guess).

I swear he did his best trying to friendzone me in an unharmful way trying to sugar coat it with ‘I’m useless’ ‘You deserve better’ ‘I’m no good for you’ and all that shit, but I told him to cut the bullcrap and tell me he doesn’t like me back straight away without the sweet friendzonning shit, and he just replied with ‘I don’t dislike you’.

Isn’t that sweet?

Hell yesh it is.

The weird thing, is I felt very good afterwards –apart from the guilt-. I don’t know why but  wasn’t hurt at all.

It’s a very great feeling to not have secrets at all (I still have a few I’ll let go of once it’s time to). 

It almost feels as if I’m just a bag, with no potatoes. I feel thin and light. LIKE I CAN FLY MOTHERFUCKER.

Anyway, What I resoled from all this shit, is that sometimes seeing people happy is a great happiness in itself.

Now making people (My family, close friends, strangers that I haven’t realized they’re selfish bastards yet and my readers) happy is my first priority. Even above mine.

Once I'll finish photoshopping it, I'll add a 'funny' picture that might explain the title, kinda? 

__

Alexisonfire, 30 seconds to Mars and other shit

44.Listen to new bands. 

So, since you bitches didn't send my your favorite bands, as if that was one very hard task *Note the sarcasm* I figured out I'd ask for some in experience project you, and unlike you, people there were pretty generous and modest and sent me load of bands to listen to.

From which I remember ;

Green day: This band is actually very talented and have cool music. Period.
Alexisonfire: Their screaming wasn't really attractive, it sounded as if they screamed just to scream, with no passion or love or pain, just plain loud screaming.. But I liked a few songs of them like, Rough hands.
30 Seconds to Mars: They're too soft for my liking, except for their song 'The Kill', Very good one.
Coldplay: Also too soft for my liking.
Paramore: They're too popish for my liking as well, but I really admire Hayley, I guess her name was? Anyway, I think she is so beautiful and she has an awesome voice. And I love 'Misguided Ghost' Probably their best song.

I think I better stick to my current favorite bands (Black Veil Brides, You me At Six, Memphis May Phire, Pierce The Veil, Sleeping With Sirens, Bring me the Horizon) until I stumble upon some other bands that I can obsess over.

I sometimes forget how to breathe..

Hello, 

This blog post is probably not as humurous as the others (Shh, I'm trying to pretend that the other posts were some sort of funny) 

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I think I have this obsession with perfection.

It's like I always make those lists of what to do and I programme my whole life, and then when one tiny thing goes wrong -which is totally normal cause I'm human after all- I start panicking, and I forget how to breathe or think straight, and I'd start feeling so hot and aughipotatofakitall.. It's really Annoying I swear.

Par example;

 Yesterday, I decided I'd look for ideas and themes for my room make-over, and I couldn't think of any good theme, And I realised I don't have a favorite colour to paint the walls with, and there are too many quotes that I like to hang on the wall, and then boum, My mind went blank, and I started feeling as suffocated as never, and it got so hot I swear I thought I was going to be on fire at any second. It's like my mind starts racing from idea to another in full speed non-stop, and it exhausts me so much I'll even have this feeling as if the room was turning around me and I don't even know.

 

So I just got my head out of the window, and tried to breathe with my tongue kinda out. Dammit I must have looked like a dog.. A sexy one I bet. No Ew. I don't mean dogs aren't sexy. Well they really aren't sexy, but they are cute. Like adorablly cute.

Okay, is it weird that now that I'm thinking about, I think I actually forgot how to breathe, for real I can't breath without making this noise, and without my chest rising very heavily, no ew, this is disgusting. 

*After a while*

Okay, so I was looking for videos teaching you how to breathe, DONT MAKE FUN OF ME I ACTUALLY DONT KNOW HOW TO BREATHE ANYMORE, and I found this, it doesn't really describe my situation much, but still, I thought maybe if one if my amazing invisible followers had breathing problems could use it..

I'm actually starting to gain a normal pace, somehow..

Well adios bitch.

The Hunger Games

4.Read at least Two books.

I haven't really finished reading two books yet, but I finished the first one and it was the best book I have ever laid my fingers on. It was catastrophically amazing. It took me to a whole other planet. I have no words to describe how bloody flawless it is. 

I bet you have all heard about The Hunger Games, but to make this post longer, and to make me seem wiser, I'm going to write it's summary (I'll actually just copy and paste it)

'In a dark vision of the near future, twelve boys and twelve girls are forced to appear in a live Tv show called The Hunger Games. There is only one rule: kill or be killed.

When sixteen-year-old Katniss Everdeen steps forward to take her sister's place in the games, she sees it as a death sentence. But Katniss has been close to death before. For her, survival is second nature.'

Here ya go, it's fantastic, and you should all read it.

My favorite girl character was Katniss of course, cause I loved her strong personality, and the way she thinks. I also loved how she put love her last priority, while her family her first.

My favorite guy character is Gale cause he hunts, and he knows how to handle the woods, and cause he is plain hot. But I also liked Haymitch. I don't know why, I just did.

My favorite part of the book is when the Game Makers don't pay much attenton to her so she shoots the apple in the pig's mouth, and then she bows and says 'Thank you for your consideration.' That part killed me.

Last but not least, the part that made my eyes teary is when Prim was picked to participate in the game and Katniss volunteered instead of her, and also when Rue died and again Katniss sang to her. That was very sweet it made my heart cry watterfalls.

READ IT. 

Do my hair, and I'll do yours..

20.Spend a day with little kids.

If you think my last two posts were so childish and immature, wait unti you read this, potato..

After we went back from the beach, my bestfriend's sister who is 9 years old, wanted to stay over ours. But I was so tired and exhausted, I didn't really give her much importance until next morning. 

We had a shower together, whic was pretty annoying, cause I didn't get to do my unsexy shower dance, and I had to stay in my bra and underwear. We went shopping, and did some art attack shit that I also can't find it pictures. We tried making a tent but it fell down on us while we were playing Monopoly (She won btw).

We watched a bit of T.V, and she wanted to watch Rio 2 But I've convinced her into listenning to music instead.

We also did each others hair, nails, and dressed each others. 

The outfit she chose for me was actually kinda cool for a 9 year old, she made me wear a black short dress, and a leather belt, a thin knotted waist blouse with black and white spots, white high heels and did my hair in a simple braid.

Now you must think awwwe she is such a sweet cute little angel. Oh holly molly wait until you hear the shit that comes out of her mouth. She swears better than I, Giving the middle finger is probably her hobby. And she listens to Screamo music, and she can scream a bit, kinda.  It's not that I have anything against screamo music. It's somehow my favorite genre. Buuuut, she kinda is still young for that, don't ya think?

Oh look at me talking as if none of that is my fault, mine and her sister's actually. We never really were carefull while talking about sex or anything like that while she was around. So it's mostly our influence on her that made her that way.

Oh gosh.

And that was my day with a little kid. Hope you enjoyed reading about it as much as I enjoyed the day itself.

Goodbye mi amor. (Someone has been learning Spanish *Points at mi* Mhm) 

Perks of being a Freshman

2.Go to a camp:

Goood morning sunshine, guess who went to that bloody school camp? Hell yeah it's me.. 

And I had loads of fun.. Doing absolutely nothing. 

And that's the perks of being a freshman in my school. Actually, It's not about being a freshman in my school, it's all about the students in that class, so it's more like, the perks of being in my class. Where lazy is a gift..

We're like the laziest class of all time, so while the others were calling strangers and having a good time, we were talking about who makes more noise while peeing? Cool, Huh? While they were doing each others hair and make-up, we were teaching each other new things about sex. I learnt a few things I wouldn't enjoy sharing with you.. 

Now take a seat darling and grab some pop corn cause I'm about to tell you the detailed version of that school camp, Yay..

When I got there Thursday evening, my classmates weren't there yet, so I had to stay with the Ninth graders, And I had to bear the awkwardness of not knowing what to reply to their compliments on my new side bang. (I suck at accepting compliments) (And yesh, maybe I'm trying to tell you I've got a side bang) Once my friends showed up, they left us alone, we practically did nothing but a little catching up chit chat. We had dinner, Soup and so not Salty fries. And we went to bed. 

Actually, they went to bed. I just jumped from one to another to annoy the fuck out of them, and it worked like magic. Eventually, they decided to do something. And that something was eating. Oh such lovely thing to do. 

I got bored and went with my friend to one of the Ninth grades room, and just awkwardly sat there watching them call strangers and make fun of them and holy shit that was even more boring than talking about peeing and farts. 

When the clock struck 02:00 Am, we went outside which was against all rules of that camp. Such rebellious act you'd think, huh? No. No just no. Once a girl claimed she saw something, we all went back screaming and punching. Running for our lives. Fortunately, the teachers didn't hear anything. I went back to my room, and we ended up talking about nonsense again. But somehow, I found such joy in it.

We didn't sleep until around 07 Am, and didn't wake up until around 10 Am. 

Our programme had reading books a bit, then talking about some subject and giving our opinions about it. And then we had free time. My friends and I went to the balcony cuz the wifi there is so fast. Hehe. And that's when I heard that shot about my ex lover. I was so saaad, so I just went back to bed, put my earphones on and tried to sleep, but I ended up shedding a few tears xD. I was so ashamed that hid gf knew about our thing that I couldn't go eat dinner, but later that night, my teacher made me go watch a movie with them. I swear I felt her friends' eyes burning through me. But she seemed to not give a fuck. In fact, she was very nice and sweet with me, which made me feel even more guilty. But I had to deal with it. 

This time we fell asleep at around 03:00 Am. And woke up a bit earlier than the day before. We had the same reading and talking programme, but I fell asleep in both of them. Most of us did.

Afterwards I went back to finish sleeping since I felt like death when One of my friends came hurrying telling me my crush is downstairs. I got up like lightening, got ready, did my Mascara, and everything. And just when I was ready to go down and see his beautiful ass face, My teacher told me that I should do my bed and blablabla. That bitch. I didn't finish until he was already gone. I got so enraged I started slapping my head to the wall. Literally. I'm a fucked up mess, okay?

Since I had nothing to do, I went to the Ninth graders class where the wifi is also fast in there. I sat there a while when I heard manly voices. When I looked out of the window, the first thing I spotted was my crush hopping (Cause walking is too mainstream for him). I froze in my place for a moment, then headed downstairs and almost fell down. I kept telling myself to act cool, pretend I didn't even know they were there, I even bought myself some ice cream to keep my mouth busy from saying something very stupid, which is likely what I'd normally do once I see him. But dang it, I couldn't keep my eyes off him. 

Then we went to this village near our city called Zarqa, it's amazing. 

Watch it, ignore the shitty quality and just fucking watch it.

I took a few pictures too, that I didn't find but I promise I'll upload them as soon as I find them.

We went back to school, said our final goodbyes, and went back home. And that was it. 

Summer crush

62.Go to the beach:

So on Sunday, my family and my sister's family (I mean my bestfriend's, it sounds weird saying my family and my sister's xD) Went to Oued Law's beach. It's actually a city that used to be a village and blah blah blah. Juts watch this vid and shush.

I had such good time swimming the whole morning, but at evening, as we always do in summer, my sis and I bought some food and snuck to her grandmother's roof and ate it. 

Anyway enough of boring useless shit, I have something to tell you.

After we stuffed our mouths with junk unhealthy food. We got back to her house. But just when she was holding the keys to open the door, someone else did from the inside, and that someone is a hella mudda effa cute Nash Grier-looking guy. He was so hot, I almost orgasmed. He was so hot, all I managed to say is a 'Uh, Ouuh' While she jumped with terror. He was talking on the phone so he just smiled his one million dollar smile while I died. 

His smile is the death of me, but holy shit, I'll die happily.

But that awkward eye contact of only few seconds wasn't enough for us. So we waited for a bit of time and went to the shop where he went to (That actually was a guess that fortunately turned true). We caught him going out, and I tried looking at my nails so I won't make another awkward eye-contact, but dammit, I looked at him to find him starring towards us, so I 'half-smiled' (That smile was probably even more awkward than having your brother reminding you of your pad that you left in the toilet (Yup, that actually happened once)). But fortunately, he made the first move, and said while chuckling with such smooth beautiful voice 'Did I scare you?' 

Well hell, you scared the fuck out of us, but you're an angel, so that doesn't really matter, does it? Just marry me already bitch.

I gotta admit, that was creeeeepy. Wey hey.

We just laughed and there was an awkward silence until my bestie told him that we left the door open for him in case he forgot the keys, he smiled and thanked us and then left. 

We fangirled. We died. We relived. And we swore we won't give a fuck about our current crushes this summer, because summer isn't really summer when you care about someone. And plus, there are loads of cute tanned guys to stalk and meet in summer. But it doesn't really work well when your heart belongs to someone else. 

I can't wait to go back to there so I'd see him again and his mother effing hot friends.

Do you still think I'm 5? 

Probably..

Oh well Baiiii ♥♥

Anti-Social?

Oh well Helloooo,

I didn't blog yesterday cause I got back late from the beach and I was exhausted. I couldn't keep my eyes open for more than a second. I had to constantly bat them to give them some sort of rest.

Basically

And I forgot to tell you Saturday that after I got back from the camp, I went to my 13 years old cousin's birthday party. And I came upon the realisation that I'm anti-social.

I wouldn't really call myself Anti-Social. I'm just Not-Socially-Active, or even better, 'A people's watcher'. I know it sounds creepy but I really enjoy watching people talk, walk, move or just breathe, there is something about people that I love and hate at the same time, something that keeps my eyes locked on them, something that holds me from talking or participating in whatever the hell they're doing. And all of this just leads people to think I'm bored, or more often a wallflower. But I don't think I'm a wallflower. Or maybe I am? I mean I do the sitting by a wall and just plain observing. But I'm not quite. Not with my close friends anyway.

But I'm also not dumb. Even when you think I'm clueless, I'm actually studying you, trying to predict your words, your moves, your weaknesses, your everything. Wicked creepy, huh?

That's all for now I guess

Dear jerks, (Dear everyone actually) Go fuck a cactus.

Wey Hey, I have no followers but I'm still blogging as if the world cares. :3
Wey Hey, I know you want to join this awesome blog. No? Ok..
Wey Hey, I desacticated my Facebook account.
Wey Hey, WHAAAT?

Yuuuup, You heard right, I desactivated my Fb account. I bet they're all surprised now, thinking I blocked them for no reason. Cuz hey, Fb addicts don't just desactivate their accounts, they just don't do that. But honestly, I'm really sick of everything, and everyone. I don't enjoy anyone's company anymore, so I'd rather just keep to myself and make my own self happy. I think It's the best way to not hurt myself and avoid sadness.

Plus, I hate seeing my crush comment on gorgeous girls' pictures and flirt with him, while I'm just sitting here missing him like hell. We used to talk 24/24 (Almost) So what happened?

And turns out my ex-lover was lying to me the whole time we 'liked' each other. One thing I know, I did like him, but did he? Well at least that's what he said. But did he mean it? Cause I realised yesterday he used to tell me the same thing he used to tell two other girls, his Girlfriend (Yeah, He had a girlfriend at the time he confessed to me) and her bestfriend and who knows how many other girls there were.

For the girlfriend thingy, Hush, I know What I did was utterly wrong, but I still did it and I already feel bad enough. But I really was blinded with his sweet promises and everything. I liked him so much that's all I cared about at that moment. And I know that's no excuse, But I swear I'd do anything just to take back that mistake.

Anyway, she read one of our conversations that HE forgot to delete, where he was telling me how much he missed me and shit like that, so she got angry at him and confronted him. They had a fight, and he thought she read our Whatsapp conversation we had that same morning where I asked him if he does love her and he replied with a 'no' that soon turned into a 'just a little bit' so he flipped out at ME. And then I overheard her complaining to one of her friends of the other convos she read of him flirting with her bestfriend. The thing is I already asked him (Back then, when we still shared bit of romance) if he had this thing for her, but his reply was and I quote from him : 'Nooooooooooo, I don't fall in love with bitches ;)'. Also, later that night, I overheard her again with my ex bestfriend (Long story), but this time she was fangirling because they were back together and then she explained how he begged her to forgive him, because he loves her so fucking much.

Oh well thank you, Mr.Bitch for lying.

Apart from that, I learnt something new those last days (It has to do with the same subject somehow).

I learnt that all boys are jerks.

Well most of them.

There is my crush thing, I just hate how he totally erased me from his memory, that if what I heard about him wasn't true (I'll tell you about it later).
Like bitch, don't make me fall in love with you if you weren't going to catch me. (I doubt it's love, but shush)

And then there is my guy's bestfriend, He is very sweet, and kind, but you know what's his problem? He falls in love way too eaaaaaasily. Or at least he thinks it's true love, but it's not. You can't fall in love within a day, nor forget about someone right after breaking-up. It's either he keeps changing girls, as if changing under wears to fill the gap he feels, or he is just.. a jerk? Aaaand, he makes every girl feel  special, but later you realise, it's his pick up lines to everyone. In other words, he Is a bloody hypocrite.

Also, I met this new friend -Who is slowly gaining more place in my heart- that has 4 gfs (As he says) and still is fishing for others..

But the worst example of guys is my own brother. I really am not comfortable with how he replaced his probably Two or Three years old girlfriend so easily after they broke up. Sure, she blew up all her chances, but you can't dive into another relationship right after you cut the other. I jtust doesn't seem right.
But you see, My brother, is one of the most hopeless romantics ever, he  is such a sweetheart (Just not to my parents and I)  and I never saw someone treat his girlfriend or love her better than him.

And that's exactly when I realised most boys are jerks, and I'd rather not have bestfriends nor get married or fall in love or anything. I'll probably end up travelling around the world with my baby pets. I don't even want babies anymore.

I really want to give you a few updates but I have to go sleep now cuz I have to wake up early tomorrow so I'd go to the beach with my family and My sister's one.

P.S: I hope you don't mind me calling my bestfriend, sister. I don't have a sister, so I think it'd be obvious It's her I'm referring to whenever I mention the word 'sister' Kay?

Definitely one of those -Weeks-